Children love enemas! （浣腸）

Well, at least simulated ones. Any English teacher in Japan worth his weight in salt has dealt with large groups of children. It's fun because you don't have to impress anyone, and if you're a good teacher you can get children interested in foreign language and culture. There is one aspect of Japanese culture, however, that will shock the unwary English teacher: THE KANCHO - or the enema.

As i said, it's not a real enema - you put your hands together with index fingers extended (like a gun) and then jam it into an unsuspecting person's anal area. You think I'm joking? I have pictures!





Again, if you are going to teach in Japan, you'll have about a week before the most obnoxious kid in the group tries it with you. BUT YOU WILL HAVE A SECRET WEAPON. When you receive your first kancho, the child that jabbed your rear will expect you to turn around with a shocked face and perhaps run out of the room screaming. "Silly gaijin!" he might be thinking in his perverted little mind. You, however, will turn this into a teachable moment.

You grab the kid, put him on the ground, pull up his legs (revealing his rear), and shout "KANCHO HODAI!" (All-you-can-enema~!) His former friendly playmates will then unleash a barrage of finger strikes that will make it impossible for him to sit for a week.

Any questions? Play the video game.

HEP - the weird ferris wheel.

One of the coolest places in Osaka, other than Hikakebashi and Namba Walk, is the Hankyu HEP Department store located in Umeda.

Well, let me start over. Osaka has about 8 million people, and the majority refer to the cool areas of Osaka as either Kita (North) or Minami (South). Kita refers to the Umeda supercomplex of Hankyu Umeda Station and JR Osaka Station. Minami is Namba, Nipponbashi (the Akihabara of Osaka, but all the freaks hang out at Tennoji and Osaka Castle Park), Shinsaibashi, and America-Mura. I prefer Minami, and my wife likes Kita.

Anyway, in Kita there is one huge shopping building called HEP that has a HUGE ferris wheel attached to the top of it. Except for one building in Osaka Business Park, this is the best view available in Osaka.

Look, I can see my wife's old college from here!!

Their latest sale commercial.

Hiyashi Rice: The real Japanese Curry

If AEZ is gonna say that Japanese Curry is the real Japanese curry, well I say no! Hiyashi rice is the real Japanes Curry, simply because Japanese created it in contrast to the diminished taste of English Curry, which serves as a model for Japanese Curry. Hayashi Rice is the true Japanese Curry, because it changes the ingredients and taste considerably from English Curry.



While some might think that Japanese curry is somehow different from English curry, it really is not!




Only hayashi rice is different in taste. But I've been drinking and playing shogi, so who cares!

Eropuri?

Most people know about Purikura (Print Club) devices and their ubiquity in Japan. Any decent game center has a slew of Purikura devices to take the modified photos of Japanese high school girls and friends. You put $3 in, you get 6-24 pictures back on one sheet.




This, like all other things in this world, eventually becomes corrupt, and thus Eropuri (Erotic Print Club) was born. Most of it is harmless underwear shots:




Some of it, however, can be a real turn on (especially the symbols
"Graduation" there (many young idols "graduate" from their idol group to do their first gravure photobook in Japan):

I owe you man...

Japanese care about indebtedness and reciprocity, in other words, what they technically owe other people in terms of social obligation, and how much they need to return to be socially acceptable to others. In other words - Japanese have two Valentine's days!

WHAT!?!?!??!

Suppose you are middle level management in a Japanese firm, and Valentine's day rolls around. DON'T GIVE CANDY TO ANYONE! Instead, sit back and relax while an inordinate amount of chocolate is given to you by every female member of the staff. And don't misinterpret it, they're only doing it because it is social obligation (giri - 義理). In fact, all of that sugar-laden sweetness is called giri-choko　(義理チョコ) or obligation chocolate. (Notice, there are no men in this picture)


Wait one month, and White Day arrives on March the 14th. This is when all the men give Giri-choko to all the female members of the staff. Again, NO ROMANCE NECESSARY.

Weird isn't it. But what I REALLY wanted to teach were two phrases:

Osewa ni narimashita - お世話になりました - I'm indebted to you.
Osewa ni shite kurete (familiar)/ kudasatte (formal) arigatou (gozaimasu) お世話にして「くれて・下さって」ありがとう（ございます） - Thank you for taking care of me (or the situation that has direct relation to me)

Osewa （お世話） literally is an indebtedness that you have incurred directly or indirectly due to someone helping you with a problem, or indirectly aiding you (like showing your lost son where home was). It is a very usable phrase, and even when a Japanese person helps you find you way from Ikebukuro to Shibuya by train, remember the phrase: Domo, osewa ni narimashita.

UNIQLOCK!

UNIQLO (short for UNIQue CLOthes) is one of those Japanese commercial monstrosities that is yet cool to wear even though its everywhere. The store follows the same pattern as OLD NAVY in America, cheap clothes with establish patterns.

UNIQLO started around the early 2000's and I still have jeans and an awesome black blazer that I bought for around $25 at the Shinkyogoku store in Kyoto. Their ability to design fundamental clothing for a cheap price makes them immensely popular with the youth in Japan, and it's quite strange that it hasn't caught on like wildfire here.

They also have a freaking awesome clock that you can widget on your blog.



I'll widget it later... Lemme know if you need help throwing it on your blog.

DONT LICK ME!!!

One of the funniest phrases in the Japanese insult dictionary is "Namenna-yo!" （なめんなよ！）, which literally means "Don't lick me!" but idiomatically means "Don't f*** with me!"

There are several disrespectful ways to say this very usable phrase when you're dancing with some hot Japanese chick and her boyfriend comes up to you and says "Nani wo shiyagaru, kora!" (何をしやがる、こら！） or "What the f*** do you think you're doing!"

There is the aforementioned: Namennayo! (7/10 on the strong scale)
Or: Namennjaneeyo! (8/10)
Or: Nametennayo! (7/10)
OR: Nemennayo, bukkorosuzo! (11/10) "I'll beat you to death!" was added.

This gave birth in the 1980's to a breed of cat - usually photographed in Bosozoku or high school bancho gear, called the Namennaneko (Don't f*** with me cat). Quite the opposite image of Hello Kitty.

SEX AND CHAREE VIRAPONG

I consider this the funniest Japanese TV ever. Only because of the wonderful foreigners could these guys make such dirty jokes...



CHAREE VIRAPONG IS AWESOME!

Dating tips in Japanese

Most Japanese girls are really shy about foreigner guys, so it might be really hard to break the ice. But there are some trusted phrases that will help you get on that baseball diamond without striking out.

So, you're at a bar and want to meet a girl - what do you say?

Attention getters
Sumimasen... (excuse me...)

Chotto ii desu ka... (can i talk to you...)

Ano ne... (um...)

Help a girl out
Atarashi dorinku katte agete mo ii desu ka... (can i buy you a new drink)

Baru no mukou kara kimi wo mitte, kawaii naa to omotte sa... (I saw you from across the bar and thought you were really cute)

Kimi no ______ ga utsukushii to omotte sa...(I thought your_____ was really cute....
eyes - me/nose-hana/face-kao/butt-oshiri/boobs-oppai/karada-body

Introductions
Boku ha _______ desu - My name is _________ (kinda humble and cute way)
Ore ha _______ desu - My name is _________ (kinda cool and tough way)
Wagahai ha ________ desu - My name is _________ (Soseki's cat's way)

How to win
Anata no denwa bango kiite mo ii desu ka? (Can I get your phone number?)

Itsu ka meshi tabe ni ikimashou. (Let's go out to eat together sometime)

Orenchi yotte kuretara, tada de eigo wo oshieru yo (If you come over to my place, i'll teach you english for free!)

How to lose
Futari desu ka? Ja, Chikaku no lovehou de sanpi shio! (Are you two girls out together? Lets go have a threesome at a love hotel close by!)

Kyokon desu yo! (I have a big youknowwhat!)

Ore yoku ero bideo wo haiken shimasu. (I watch a lot of porn [polite Japanese])

AEZ's submission:

Daijobu. Kao wa kankei naidesu. Karada ga mokuteki desukara.

It's ok, your looks mean nothing to me, it's your body I'm after.
More later.

Everybody loves Reimen

It's the middle of summer, which means reimen / soumen time. If you've never heard these words before, reimen is cold ramen and soumen is very thin cold noodles (about half the thickness of ramen). You prepare the two different noodle the same way.

1. Boil water
2. Put noodles in for 3 minutes while stirring.
3. Flip the noodles into a strainer filled with icecubes and run cold water over it for a minute.

Reimen is traditionally prepared somewhat like a Cobb Salad. The very cold noodles are placed in a bowl and adorned with cold ham, sliced tamagoyaki (Japanese style eggs - made like an omelet but with soy sauce), sliced cucumber, and whatever else.　Be sure to pick up some tsuyu (soy/dashi sauce) from the local asian market. Be careful - some tsuyu are different strengths.



This is regular strength. If the container says ３倍 or ４倍, you'll have to split it 1/3 tsuyu 2/3 water or 1/4 tsuyu 3/4 water. The end result looks like this:



Soumen is much easier - all you need to do is put the tsuyu in a cup, dip the soumen in the cup and enjoy. Make sure you add some wasabi or mustard to the tsuyu if you like it spicy.



If you drive way out in the country in Japan, some place will have nagashi-soumen, or flowing soumen. They basically take a large bamboo plant, split it, and run soumen through it while you stand at the end and catch it with your chopsticks. The country bumpkins that do this usually charge an arm and a leg for this, but if you've been hiking in the mountains you won't be able to resist.

AEZ's making me hungry!

My favorite food? Not unizushi (too expensive), not steak (too fattening), not soumen (too light). Three letters - KYK.



Tonkatsu is a Japanese boneless porkchop that tastes so good I thank God for pigs. My wife deep fries it with bread crumbs (sometimes hand picked). I love that woman.

Tanabata Time

I remember when I was in my Japanese 102 (1st year second semester) class at OCC, my wonderful, yet strict teacher taught me the tune to Tanabata and brought a bamboo branch that she had bought from Yaohan (before it went bankrupt).

It goes something like this:

Sasa no ha saara sara
Bamboo-grass leaves swish swish

Nokiba ni yureru
Rustling at the eaves' edge

Ohoshi-sama kira kira
All the stars twinkle and twinkle

Kin-gin sunago
Fine gold and silver sand



Get a colored piece of paper, write your wish on it, and tie it to some bamboo! If you have any other questions, Wikipedia has some good stuffas does Yumeji.

Gion Matsuri

Gion Matsuri is a big carnival in Kyoto during the first few weeks of July in Kyoto. Everything becomes compact and precarious, but who cares, it's a carnival!!



The Kyoto citizens living in the middle section of Kyoto (nakagyoku) bring out these big floats and musicians sit in them and play all night (my bro-in-law Yoshi did it for years) while people walk amongst the different festival stands in their yukata. I hope to take my daughter there someday.



The music is the most important part of Gion Matsuri, as is is played throughout July, even as you walk along Kawamachi Street.



So many years I had to drag my wife (who was born in Kyoto) to Gion Matsuri, because she's the type that gets bored quickly. But the whole event is always a kick in the ass.

タル占い Fortune-telling barrel

Near where I used to live in beautiful Arashiyama, Kyoto was a medium-sized Jinja (shrine) by the name of Matsuo. It's one of the oldest shrines in Kyoto, and originates when a major samurai of the Emperor of the time (I think it was Kammu) stopped under a waterfall and noticed a turtle resting at the base of the falls. Well, this was about the time the capital of Japan was being shifted from Nagaoka-Tenjin to Kyoto, nearly 1300 years ago.

The purity of the water was remarkable (as it is everywhere else in Kyoto), so the samurai immediately recommended a shrine be built there to commend the pure spirit inherent in the water. Matsuo Taisha (or large shrine) was built and it remains a place of blessing to local miso and sake producers.




ALL SAKE (I especially like the barrel of Hanshin Tigers sake over there on the right, second row.



There is sake everywhere, and the most fun comes during Hatsumode (the first shrine visit of the year) when they bring out a mixed liquor filled with gold leaf.　This is the shrine to the god of Japanese sake.



One interesting thing about Matsuo Taisha is that there is a "barrel fortune-telling" yatai (stand) during Hatsumode.





You basically take a cumbersome arrow and shoot it at a barrel with all but a small circle cut out and a gong behind it. If you hit the edge of the barrel, you get a "kichi" charm (good luck), but if you hit the very middle and the gong, you get a special "daikichi" (very good luck) charm that also serves as a cell phone strap. My wife and I both shot it - my wife got kichi and I got daikichi. My wife lovingly looked in my eyes that day and told me I was a "yareba dekiru otoko" (a guy who can stand up and do it). Now I wonder if I'm that same guy, there isn't a Taru-uranai (fortune telling barrel) to tell her so!

Dave Specter and North Korea

Dave Specter is one gaijin tarento who I am really impressed with - he has flawless Japanese and has worked hard to become a very popular variety show producer in Japan. He is the host of this show. On the other hand you have guys like Pakkun (the tall brown haired guy at 2:03 who started a REALLY LAME manzai group called Pakkun to Makkun. They bombed every time.

Here they are talking about North Korean textbooks, and it really is amusing to see how brainwashed the North Korean kids are:



Dave Specter also has this really strange hairstyle - how does he do it?

ゴリケル・ジャクソン Gorikel Jackson

ご愁傷様です。



This is a sketch from one of my favorite shows: One Night Rock 'n Roll. This show always came on at 9PM, and then Sui10 at 10PM on Wednesday nights. Both shows were funny as hell. Anyway Gori does Michael Jackson, so the skit is called Gorikel Jackson.



My favorite line: (1:55)
(Prince breaks vase with bat)
Gorikel: Ill buy that!
Bashil: Are you for real?
Gorikel: I just decided I wanted it.
Bashil: But it just got broken!
Gorikel: It's not broken, there's just more pieces of it now.

And then when his nose is removed, he says its not a nose, but a cookie. Either way, Gorikel Jackson really needs to punish Prince.

Keyhole TV - yes you can watch Japanese TV for free in real time

Watch Japanese TV FREE!

What is KeyHole System.

Real Real Time Video P2P and Server based Hybrid Communication System. Free to use.

The KeyHoleVideo encoder provides for streaming Video via the Internet with a necessary bandwidth of 200 K bps only.
The KeyHoleVideo encoder enables you to stream Video within a range of 100 K bps to 350 K bps bandwidth via the Internet. It is therefore possible to broadcast and view a Video Program via a Cell Phone Modem (GPS etc.)

All communication is encrypted. The KeyHoleVideo encoder is a completely new technology to encode motion pictures in its own format instead of MPEG and H264. Easy to use.

Tsurube revealed.

Only Japanese people will get this, comment for an explanation.

Kida Taro

This is the LAST POST TODAY. I promise!
I noticed that the third Okeihan (who has the cute looks of the first one) is paired with Japanese composer Kida Taro (who is known for his outrageous toupee) in commercials.



He has composed hundreds of jingles in Japan (and especially the Kansai area) and is an altogether cool guy. He also used to be in one of my favorite Kansai based TV shows Saigo no Bansan (The Last Supper) with Nakajima Ramo and a few other Kansai celebrities (Including a very young Hirai from American Zarigani and not Ishino).



Anyway, here is a video of him conducting the music he created, and it is all very catchy stuff - all of his commercial music starts around 3:00. Especially the "Toretore Picchipicchi Kani Ryori" for the legendary Kansai crab restaurant Kani Doraku (3:55). He has a Aaron Copland sound that makes him instantly recognizable.

Okeihan

While I'm talking trains, there was one train company (Keihan) that ran between Osaka and Kyoto. I was actually sitting and watching on the Keihan TV car when 9/11 was occurring and when US beat Mexico 2-0 during the Japan/Korea world cup.



One thing I really liked about Keihan other then the fact that they played the sound of chirping birds near train exits to aid the blind was their marketing program they began in 2000 called "Okeihan." It's basically a Kansai way of saying "Keisan" - a girl named Keiko + san + Kyoto dialect = Okeihan. They used a particularly attractive girl for their first run who I think has a very Kyotoesque beauty (Yamato nadeshiko style beauty). She was played by Reina Mizuno (水野麗奈), a real hottie.





She's pretty, right? They had a lot of good commercials for all the festivals in Kyoto as well...the new Okeihan? Who cares!





おけいはん、おいでやすｗ



Funnier than all heck.


These are the first few commercials. Man, I miss being able to read on trains again. Finally, the new okeihan with "How to Hatsumode". This is the number two okeihan and is NOT ATTRACTIVE.

Learn to be a ninja...

When Americans think about Japan, the first thing they imagine are samurai and ninja. Well, I've been to the OFFICIAL ninja museum in Iga-Sano in Nara (maybe it's in Mie, I forgot). Anyway the greatest thing about going there - if you are a train aficionado - is the single line Kintetsu track that goes there from Iga-Kobe station on the Osaka line, the official NINJA TRAIN:



After a hour ride to Iga Sano Station, you disembark to the official Iga-style Ninja museum. It's not as cheesy as you would think, they show all of the ways ninjas hid inside houses and the implements and devices they used in order to assassinate their targets.





The most interesting aspect of the ninjas is the finger strength necessary. I remember they had one exhibit that stated a ninja need to lift a 100 lb. rice bale with their pinkie finger in order to have the clutching strength to climb a castle wall. If castle owners were a bit smarter, perhaps they'd find a better way of making walls then this:



At least fill in the cracks with some mortar, you silly daimyo! You're practically inviting the ninjas inside!!

My rant: Kinkakuji vs. Ginkakuji

Ok, I'm gonna say it. Kinkakuji sucks. It's overcrowded, it's not that impressive, it's too far from the middle of Kyoto, and tourists miss some of the great stuff in the Kawaramachi area going all the way up Nishiooji Road to Kinkakuji. Here is Kinkakuji:



When it snows, which is almost never in Kyoto, Kinkakuji is really beautiful. Otherwise, the gaudiness makes it look like it should be an Osaka/Tokyo monument and not a Kyoto one.

It's one of those weird quirks of Kyoto architecture that doesn't belong in Kyoto, like Kyoto Tower.



Ginkakuji, on the other hand, is not only at the base of Daimonji mountain and at the top of Nenenomichi (which goes from Ginkakuji to Tetsugaku no Michi to Maruyama Park to Kiyomisu), but is much more subtle and beautiful.



If you're planning a trip to Kyoto, skip Kinkakuji and take the walk from Ginkakuji to Kiyomizu Temple instead. You'll get a lot more sightseeing done for the same price and time spent.

Umai-bo!

I gotta stop posting, but I thought I would shoot a quick blog post about the god of all 10 yen (10 cent) Japanese snacks, the quintessentially Japanese Umai-bo. Umai-bo literally means "yummy stick," and after forgoing all sundry sexual connotations attached to this translation, it REALLY IS A FREAKIN' YUMMY STICK.



I comes in a variety of flavors (salad, takoyaki, corn, etc.), each sporting a character similar to the cartoon robotcat Doraemon. If you've never had one, imagine if a Cheeto was expanded into the size of a toilet paper roll core and given different flavors.



You can buy it ANYWHERE, and it only costs 10yen. If you are in Japan right now, take a look at the pavement around you, walk around for 30 seconds, and you'll find the funds to purchase them. Of course, if you can fight off the security guard, you can always just rip one off the Umaibo Eiffel Tower. There is no escargo-flavored Umaibo, by the way.



(translation of sign: 7 workers took around a month to create this 5 meter tall tower consisting of even over 1200 Umaibo's. It is a display of the cultural exchange between France and Japan, and hopes to draw attention from around the globe.)

My favorite kids snack is actually Yocchan Ika. But that will be addressed in a subsequent post.

Weird food from Kyoto

Well, now that I finished a few more pages of my master's thesis, I can relax and tell you the tale of two weird foods from Kyoto: Yakisuzume and yakiayu.

Yaki- (焼き-) is the prefix for anything grilled, and if you connect that to suzume (雀) - sparrow - or ayu (鮎) - sweetfish - you get some weird looking food.

What especially disgusted me was my own realization that those cute birds that populated the Arashiyama Station I left to work from every morning could be so delicious...and so damn bony!

Anyway enjoy the following equation:

+焼き＝

Yikes. This delectable treat can be found a bit south of Kyoto in the Fushimi Area, home of one of the most beautiful shrines in Kyoto: Fushimi-Inari Jinja. Somehow this place ALWAYS gets passed over for a mediocre tour through Kiyomizu and Kinkakuji. For those of you that can't conceptualize the awesomeness of the 2-3 mile hike through the Fushimi-Inari Shrine (complete with $3 can cokes at the top), here are some good pictures:



The fox god of Fushimi loves two things: Inarizushi (rice with sweet agedofu) and expensive donations to the shrine - usually anywhere from tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars worth depending on the location.



Notice each torii has the name of the company written on it.

The other scrumptious dish only comes in the June-August season. Yakiayu, or charcoaled sweetfish. If you've never eaten a fish like a hotdog, you gotta try it.



The interesting thing about ayu is the way they are fished. Some fisherman use the traditional bait and hook method, but the ass-biting method works better. Ayu are fiercely territorial and bite the ass (or fin) of any fish that comes in the area. Fishermen use a lure that looks like another ayu, and the fish bite the back of the lure and are thus hooked by their own instinctive territorial natures.



I would have fished in Katsura river too - if it wasn't for the 15000 yen ($150) species-specific fishing license.

Fukuzawa Yukichi

Or Yukichi Fukuzawa - the 10,000 yen guy...



I had to do a research paper on him in college. He led a pretty fascinating life. When he was young, he worked with a group of samurai translators trying to figure out the Dutch language (which was the only language he could study in pre-Matthew Perry Japan). Then Matthew Perry showed up with his black fleet of ships and forced the Tokugawa Shogunate to open Japan so that America would have a supply port for whaling and other trade industries.

Already mesmerized by foreigners and their technology, he hopped the first boat to San Francisco and then around the world - to Europe and Russia - and then returned home. He founded Keio university and a bunch of other colleges and schools.

The point I really want to make about him is his political philosophy - "national independence through personal independence" - this is what freed Japan and made it modern. The horrors of WWII arose when Japan forgot this notion and abdicated the murderous coup of the govt in 1932 by the Japanese military. For some reason, some critics believe that Fukuzawa was a big imperialist. He never was, reather understanding that personal liberty from government coercion was tantamount to national greatness. The gov't leaves you alone, and thus becomes great for having done so.

IF ONLY THE PRESENT ADMINISTRATION WOULD REMEMBER THIS IMPORTANT POLITICAL RULE.